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Airing my Dirty Laundry!

The world is made of different types of flowers
Those that protect themselves in thorns and poisons
Those that hide when in danger… curl up we called them touch me not
Those that have no clue how to fight… I call them Me!
When I was younger I think I understood life…
Never stay with a man who hit you… because if he hit you once he is gonna do it again
And again and again and again until he wept on your grave apologizing
It never occurred to me that one day I would be this flower with no clue of how to stop it
How could I forget all that I learn as I grew up…
When I was eight, one day as I was playing with my dolls
I saw a man hold a whip… his wife running around the house screaming
Stop! Stop! Please… I am sorry… it will not happen again…
Terrified I ran home to my mother… I remember how fast my heart beat
How my hairs stood on an edge… I remember telling myself that it would never happen to me
Young children talk, I waited for my father to come home…
He said, “only cowards beat women! brave men fight with men to protect you find a brave one!

With thing called life
Every step is a class with a lesson to teach
Utajua uchungu wa kiatu unapokivaa
Dunia kaniona mjinga… mimi nikiwa mfungwa
“Utakaaje na mtu anakuchapa! Hiyo ni mapenzi gani” wote walisema
Kila mtu akinidharau… I decided to fight my own battles
Blocked it all out… I think about it and cry
How I flooded the same bed we made love in with tears…
Mapenzi kawa msiba…. Mchumba kwa adui
Sasa milio za ngumi, teke na kelele zinafanya tujifiche kila asubuhi
I understand that love is bitter sweet or sweet and bitter
Love should never be dangerous… it should never carry fear or hate in it
Sad is that nilimshikilia… a part of me iliona naweza msaidia
Naweza mponya naweza mfanya awe wangu tena…
To me he had changed…
to my brother he was always that way had only changed to attract me
To me he needed me more than ever... his good came with his bad! so twisted
But how do you rescue someone who never wants to be rescued by you
How stupid could my heart be to still want to be called his
How stupid could I be to let him hit me and fight with him out there for the world to see
And how could a kiss wipe all this pain away
how hopeless could I be?
His punches passed the body, spirit to my soul…
Yet my heart loved him like it has never loved another
Lack of his attention is still a pain, I have to admit
All the times I packed… all the promises the kisses that brought me back
To some extent I found a piece of him when he was inside of me
All the lies I told to keep everyone away
All the friendships I killed for him when they started to judge
Or maybe kweli nilikua mjinga…
But who are you to judge something you can never understand
I have been there but still cannot explain the amount of damage I knew he had done to my soul
And still I need him around me! Damn I guess I owe myself an apology

Now I come from a place where... no one should interfere when two lovers are fighting
We say, 'sijui pali walitoana!!
Domestic violence is not okay
A victim and survivor needs to be comforted helped to walk out of depression to heal… not judged and stigmatized
It is a journey where one can never walk alone.
Now you should understand
When people think about killing themselves for someone
It never is because they are stupid...
Emotional stress and depression, is painful and can kill
Sometimes you only know how bad the hurricane is when it hits home
Sometimes you feel like a part of your soul has been stolen
and you think that you cannot live without it... damn it hurts like hell
love is never stupid… for some it is just too blind to even read Braille
It is because someone you value with all your heart…
makes you worthless and covers you with disgrace
Now we all were created differently… remember the flower types
some are strong enough to walk away
Others are overwhelmed by hate… others remain prisoners

No I don’t judge anymore… I used to when I was younger
Now I look at things differently… maneno ya moyo ni mengine
Love indeed is blind… but wise people see
bitter sweet or sweet and bitter
It should never be dangerous...
You should never be its prisoner

© Namatsi Lukoye

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